all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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