I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
