I think my fart just growled at me.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
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