I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
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