I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
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