i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
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