It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Randomize
