dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Jerry, you need to find god
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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