Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
