Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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