This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
