Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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