What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
God gave him joint rollers for hands
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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