All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
