SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
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