worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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