Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
How does it feel to date your dad?
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
