My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Randomize
