hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
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