9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
