Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
