I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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