and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
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