i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
