woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
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