The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Randomize
