trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
