It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
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