Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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