Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
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