she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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