I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
