this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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