i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
