i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
Man, jail baloney is awful.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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