3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Randomize
