she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
