She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
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