But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
