He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
