Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
