Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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