Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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