There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
