Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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