we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
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