so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
