when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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