I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
soo... how was my night?
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Randomize
