My sheets look like a crime scene.
:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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