just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
