from now on my penis is your penis
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
MIDGETS
????
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
