i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Randomize
