you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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