I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
