paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
They should really pass out barf bags in church
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
