He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
