The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
